Twenty Eighteen

(THIS WAS SAVED IN MY DRAFTS FROM THE YEAR END OF 2018)

Figured I would end the year with an entry.  Especially since this is my struggle journal, and I am having a tough time right now.

This past year hasn’t been to kind to the Amedawg.  Very much let down in my 39 years of being in this universe.

I’m going to try to go into the upcoming year with a change in myself.  I don’t know how, however.  People usually say “…with a positive mindset…” but how do you completely block out all of the outside influences that change that mindset?  Even if I was a monk and could be on neutral ground, how do you train yourself to just be, and not be miserable?

I’ll be honest, I have had that feeling of dread.  Feeling of despair. Feeling of being a burden, not of just being physically here, but on the people that I truly hold dear to me.  Where I feel like apologizing every time I am acknowledged because I am unpleasant to talk to and be around.

I have that fear of leaving the house of people looking at me, disgusted.  Just fearful that it might push me to the point of no return, and I legit mean no return.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone.

I used to think there was more once you are for sure gone.  Now I hope there isn’t more than this, beyond living on this Earth.

I guess I should get out of that morbid side of my thoughts right now and just focus on my feelings that feel so super valid at this moment and feel so crazy real to me.

I am letting things penetrate the core of what I want to be.  I am letting outer things interfere with the core and foundation of what I know I should be.

You need to feel compassion for yourself, to care, to love, to feel present – to do any of those kind things for others – which super fails myself.  I always felt was the outline of what I truly want to be here, what I truly feel is the center of my presence here.

I am not feeling those things currently.  I feel pathetic, worthless and unworthy to be cared, loved, or even wanted.

I know now, for some reason or another – I’ve always searched outside myself to feel or experience or boost these things within myself.  I have zero desire or need to search anywhere.  I am in that hole where I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to try to feel any kind of feeling that I deserve to be respected, wanted, cared for.  So scared that if I try to reach out too much, that I will be pushed down, brushed aside, or not even acknowledged.

Which is where I fail myself completely.  It matters, but tbh, the true thing is for me to deserving of love, of care, of just kindness.

Ok – I am so lost – I just googled “depression” so I can go down the list of thoughts that have been cemented in my head for the past month.  Let’s take a gander…

Below is a list per Mayo Clinic:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

How’re you today?

This is not a question that a depressed person loves to hear.  I mean, of course its nice to have people talk to you, and at least act like they truly care.

This morning someone asked me this question, and I said “I am good Charlie, thank you.  How about yourself?”

**Flashback to last night when I was crying my face off, mascara streaming down my cheeks**

I hate lying, but people don’t want the honest answer of a depressed person. “I’m pretty shitty.  I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking about all the things I need and wish I could be, but I am not any of them.  My house is a mess like my head, and I can’t get above it to the clouds to see how pleasant life should really be.”

I was honestly having a couple of decent days, it doesn’t take much to trigger it and put me in lounge mode, especially after I just got done having a depressive state.

Being in a crowd of people you don’t know, but maybe 2 people is also a trigger for me.  I know not to do that again.  And it doesn’t help when my ex, who I’m with the whole time I’m there, runs into people left and right, and fails to introduce me them.  That’s really bothersome to me, and makes me want to treat him with the bitchiest tendencies I have grown to do.  Maybe I should tell him.  Yea….

its been a while…

since I’ve written anything.  I’ve been mostly lazy, but busy as well.  Feeling down again, going through my depression.

I can tell again.  I was feeling ok at the beginning of September, then by the end, BOOM, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t get off the couch, I would sleep too much during the day, I couldn’t get sleep at night (pretty obvious why), and the most important thing, I couldn’t connect with even my kids.

Right now, everything is bothersome.  I don’t know if I brought this up at the time of my PHP, but one of my co-workers, whom I was especially close to, decided I wasn’t worthy enough to be her homie anymore.  I straight up just immediately deleted and blocked her from facebook and her number from my phone.  At the time of PHP, I wanted nothing to do with people who were talking negatively about my condition, even if they didn’t appear to understand.

At first when I encountered her at work, I was cordial, and tried to treat her as a person.  I thought I was being a decent human being.  She would just be like “Ok, cool” and wouldn’t say a God damn thing after I asked her how she was doing.  At first, I could understand.  But now she won’t even look at me, and it appears she’s letting the whole department know her feelings towards me.

How I know this is because I haven’t been invited to any baby showers nor regular fun parties some of my co-workers throw that she’ll be at.  It just makes me feel even more worthless and like nobody gives two shits about me when I thought I was an at least ok person.

Anyways, that was a side rant.  I need to get my life back on track, so little petty shit isn’t a story in my blog.  So the straight up obvious right now, is little things, I’m making big and causing me mad anxiety when I’m around them, when before I could just think nothing of it.  I’ve lost my desire for life and living.  I signed up to at a LA Fitness for personal training $220 a month and every time it causes and overdraft in my account.  I have to go in tonight and hopefully talk to someone about my inability to afford it.  That’s hella bothersome.

Also, this Thursday, I’m starting the process of filing divorce and bankruptcy with a girl I went to middle school and high school with.  I’m excited for this, but it’s also quite anxiety producing.

It’s 36 past 5am right now.  I shall continue this at work today shhhhh.  This is my daily life.

I leave with one song I’ve been listening to lately.  It’s Alkaline Trio, Take Lots with Alcohol.

Hello what the hell am I doin’ here
That’s a really nice suit
This is a really comfortable chair
See I don’t know if you can help me or not
Cause I don’t feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground
I don’t really care if I’m healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I’ll give you anything you want
See I don’t know why I don’t fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we’ll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I’ll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I’m boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That’s why I need help, I’m cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely the soak up the stains
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I’m a has been who is heckled on the stage