(THIS WAS SAVED IN MY DRAFTS FROM THE YEAR END OF 2018)
Figured I would end the year with an entry. Especially since this is my struggle journal, and I am having a tough time right now.
This past year hasn’t been to kind to the Amedawg. Very much let down in my 39 years of being in this universe.
I’m going to try to go into the upcoming year with a change in myself. I don’t know how, however. People usually say “…with a positive mindset…” but how do you completely block out all of the outside influences that change that mindset? Even if I was a monk and could be on neutral ground, how do you train yourself to just be, and not be miserable?
I’ll be honest, I have had that feeling of dread. Feeling of despair. Feeling of being a burden, not of just being physically here, but on the people that I truly hold dear to me. Where I feel like apologizing every time I am acknowledged because I am unpleasant to talk to and be around.
I have that fear of leaving the house of people looking at me, disgusted. Just fearful that it might push me to the point of no return, and I legit mean no return. Once you’re gone, you’re gone.
I used to think there was more once you are for sure gone. Now I hope there isn’t more than this, beyond living on this Earth.
I guess I should get out of that morbid side of my thoughts right now and just focus on my feelings that feel so super valid at this moment and feel so crazy real to me.
I am letting things penetrate the core of what I want to be. I am letting outer things interfere with the core and foundation of what I know I should be.
You need to feel compassion for yourself, to care, to love, to feel present – to do any of those kind things for others – which super fails myself. I always felt was the outline of what I truly want to be here, what I truly feel is the center of my presence here.
I am not feeling those things currently. I feel pathetic, worthless and unworthy to be cared, loved, or even wanted.
I know now, for some reason or another – I’ve always searched outside myself to feel or experience or boost these things within myself. I have zero desire or need to search anywhere. I am in that hole where I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to try to feel any kind of feeling that I deserve to be respected, wanted, cared for. So scared that if I try to reach out too much, that I will be pushed down, brushed aside, or not even acknowledged.
Which is where I fail myself completely. It matters, but tbh, the true thing is for me to deserving of love, of care, of just kindness.
Ok – I am so lost – I just googled “depression” so I can go down the list of thoughts that have been cemented in my head for the past month. Let’s take a gander…
Below is a list per Mayo Clinic:
- Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
- Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
- Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
- Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
- Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
- Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
- Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Being Mental.. 