ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

I HATE…

feeling this way.  Depressed.  Alone.  Emotionally unstable.

People are for real dying and don’t want to, and I’m alive and wish I wasn’t.

What would I do if I got cancer?  Would I be overjoyed that I would have a way out?  A way out becuz I’m too big of a pussy to attempt my own demise.  I’d do it wrong, my kids might miss me, yadda yadda yadda.

People die everyday and don’t want to.

WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKK CANT I BE HAPPY FOR BEING ABLE TO BE HERE?  TO EMBRACE THE MOMENT, THE HERE AND NOW?

I feel so alone.  I am numb, but I break so easily.  Thoughts enter my mind and just destroy my being.  Why is life so hard?  Why can’t I be “normal” and have friends and lovers and be in relationships with people with meaning?

Why can’t I?  I isolate for what?  Cuz I’m scared of what people think.  When I shouldn’t give a flying fuck.

People die everyday and they want to be here.

Why can’t I just be….

Drowning Their Sorrows

I’m just realizing that trying to read my PHP program folder is not so useful on its own.  If I have to go back to that, I might as well kiss my job good bye.  Look at that, not staying in the present.  Predicting the future.  UGH.  I annoy myself sometimes.

I remember one of my old jobs in my early twenties, I was driving there, and my body just filled up with so much anxiety and tension, that I drove all the way up to my sisters place 4 hours away.  Without much thought, just drove the fuck up there.  Avoidance is my middle name.

I had the thought run through my mind this morning because I had to call in yesterday and I was worried what everyone was saying/thinking/doing.

Depression/anxiety/bi-polar is a hell of a disease.  My guy tries to explain it to me as if I have diabetes or heart disease.  But it has a curse behind it as though it’s all in someones head.  Imagine that.  Mental illness is all in someones head….

As I sit here, and listen to Tupac, I  really wish I had some balls to overcome this thing, but it keeps returning and grabbing hold of me, forcefully.

Legit Case of the Mondays

Everyone and their cousin has it today.  I woke up with it, my daughter woke up with it.  I walked into work and got asked if I ever felt that way, and I was like uh yes, today!

While walking down to the cafeteria this morning, through the hallways, I pass several meeting rooms.  How I miss being able to give input to my job and my department.  My job, I just show up, do it to the best of my ability, and go home.  No matter if I find a way that’s better or see someone doing it in a shitty manner(but still could that be correct?), it goes no where and has no meaning.  Kinda depressing.

Mindful Chill App “Notice that the Earth is right underneath you.”

I’ve had an interview or two elsewhere.  Closer to home.  It went well.  It’s a casual position in Maple Grove.  My co workers wrote me killer references, so I hope it I get it.  Fingers crossed.  I’ll find out by the end of the week.

I’m finding it so hard to be mindful.  I get so lost in my thoughts and in my head in general.  I wish I could find some place that teaches a refresher course in mindfulness.

A-disciplined-mind-brings-happiness