I HATE…

feeling this way.  Depressed.  Alone.  Emotionally unstable.

People are for real dying and don’t want to, and I’m alive and wish I wasn’t.

What would I do if I got cancer?  Would I be overjoyed that I would have a way out?  A way out becuz I’m too big of a pussy to attempt my own demise.  I’d do it wrong, my kids might miss me, yadda yadda yadda.

People die everyday and don’t want to.

WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKK CANT I BE HAPPY FOR BEING ABLE TO BE HERE?  TO EMBRACE THE MOMENT, THE HERE AND NOW?

I feel so alone.  I am numb, but I break so easily.  Thoughts enter my mind and just destroy my being.  Why is life so hard?  Why can’t I be “normal” and have friends and lovers and be in relationships with people with meaning?

Why can’t I?  I isolate for what?  Cuz I’m scared of what people think.  When I shouldn’t give a flying fuck.

People die everyday and they want to be here.

Why can’t I just be….

Couldn’t sleep….

fell asleep on the couch with a monster headache.  I woke up at 2 with no headache but no desire to fall back to sleep.  However currently, getting sweepie.

I don’t know what’s on my mind…maybe this

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What can I do today that matters most?  Yea, it’s thanksgiving, I work till 1830.  Miss out on family affair.  It is what it is.  I’m going to make work as fun as possible and do it to the best of my ability.

When I get home, thank Dad for allowing me and the kids to stay with him, even though he needs some help.

I have to be honest.  This month sucks for me because my deceased Mother’s birthday fell on 11.22.  I think she’d be 79.  Still don’t imagine her leaving us so soon and still imagining her adoring my kids like she did with the other grandbabies.  I know she’s there but its just not the same.  I miss her.  I wish I could tell her regardless of her demons she had, I loved her and appreciated everything she did for our family.  I miss her more than I let on.

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