1st KAP Tx

I had my first ketamine assisted psychotherapy session this morning/afternoon.

Right now my thoughts are full and all over the place

One of my thoughts is, I need to do this again. Because. I feel like I did see the loosening of myself from my thoughts and feelings a lot during session, but I kept close to myself during that time. Not really realizing or feeling my thoughts but just feeling free of something of some sort. Very hard to explain. I knew I was there, physically, but the things I saw I knew weren’t but felt real to me. The scenes kept changing. Morphing one into the next one. And I went along with them, making sure I was still around, talking to my therapist Kayla.

Things that were brought up, in my mind, that I can remember, right now is – my relationship with Alex – How I do feel so very close to him because of my children and the experience I had during the process of their birth. That truly is something I hold so dear and sincere in my heart. I think it hurts my soul honestly that it wasn’t that substantial to him.

Which it shouldn’t matter.

But shared experiences are something I think are important in life, and yea. That was a big one.

I know my Mom got brought up, but honestly I think I glossed over that. And I truly don’t know why. Maybe I thought she should of said something or appeared during the session or something would enter me, but nothing did with just the thought of her which is really interesting to me.

I think most of my work is validating myself. Not validating myself with external items, but just be satisfied that I am doing the best I can and that is enough and I am enough.

I feel like this will definitely dig out the crud and gunk and munk I have within myself.

I will try to write more tonight after my nap.

Fresh Start

So, hi again.

I’m going to start keeping track of my mood again, maybe my thoughts and opinions and frustrations and experiences and encounters and everything in between.

I have unfortunately been struggling for a while now with my depression again. No medications with hand and hand therapy (sometimes twice a week) has helped me get out of the fog and dark clouds in my head.

It’s very frustrating and makes me lack hope on a daily basis. I wish we who suffer with depression, could will ourselves into being normal, but see how dumb that sounds?

I’ve been lacking in every portion of my life and it’s very sad and embarrassing. Work sucks, I got the worst review of my life last week on my 9th anniversary with the hospital, (I honestly do not think it was accurate however, I will be writing my response to that bullshit at work tonight), and any job for that matter. I finally cleaned my area of the house and some bedrooms for the first time in a year and a half or more because my 14 year old son was so depressed being over at my house that he had thoughts of hurting himself. And after hearing that I somehow managed to take too much of my medication and be bedbound for 3 days. Blurry vision, could not walk or make my legs work. I don’t know if that’s because my eyes were so blurry or if my legs were limp noodles, it was honestly hard to tell.

Hearing that my son was feeling this way, having these thoughts, hurt more than my Mom dying – but then hearing that I am a big piece of the cause of his thoughts to hurt himself, made me feel the worst I had ever felt in my 42 years of a pathetic life lived. My mental health has affected him more than I ever knew. He mentioned remembering me supposed to pick them up and then I never did. Leaving him at his breakdance battle and me waiting for a call from his instructor to pick him up but he didn’t have my phone number and me getting mad at him for it. The house being a mess. Me sleeping all of the time Feeling like him and Amelia are all by themselves a lot.

So all of this added up in my head. I needed to search for more options.

As I was at work one evening, eavesdropping as I usually do because my social anxiety will not allow me to chime in, I heard my co workers discussing people being treated for mental illness, depression, and suicidal ideation with ketamine and psychedelics.

In my head, I was like, ‘I’ve been researching this. Funny they don’t know how utterly depressed I’ve been and how much I struggle in my head. And I’m ashamed of myself, I can’t tell them I have looked into it for those very reasons on a personal level.’

That day, I had a family counseling session which the therapist was surprised I brought that conversation up as her clinic is working with another doing KAP which is Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy.

I won’t get into the whole process, but here’s for reference https://www.iit-mn.com/.

I start tomorrow.