ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

Advertisements

Being Grateful – and – Other Shit

Three things I am grateful for.

  1. My kids
  2. My dogs
  3. My program

I am feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.  I don’t want to do shit.  So much needs to be done but I can’t even fathom doing these things.  When I think of them again, I tell myself “Oh, I’ll do that at 5.” Knowing full well, when 5 approaches, it sure isn’t going to change a thing.

What is this lack of motivation.  It’s so much more saddening.  I’ve spent a month in PHP, started to improve, and now going back down that slippery slop again.

I need to work, I need to be a great mother and role model for my children.  It hurts this fucked up heart I have that I cannot even do these things.

I just don’t want to do anything right now.

Don’t Settle

he said.

It radiated within me. Seems like I’ve been even settling for good conversation lately.

It’s so good to catch up with old friends, old loves.  Loves that will forever be loves.

What the fuck am I doing?  With myself?  Am I settling for everything I don’t want?  What the fuck do I want anyways?

When it comes to a relationship, I really don’t know.  And I really shouldn’t know.  I’m not really happy with myself right now.

Time to write a punk rock poem or something.

 

Legit Case of the Mondays

Everyone and their cousin has it today.  I woke up with it, my daughter woke up with it.  I walked into work and got asked if I ever felt that way, and I was like uh yes, today!

While walking down to the cafeteria this morning, through the hallways, I pass several meeting rooms.  How I miss being able to give input to my job and my department.  My job, I just show up, do it to the best of my ability, and go home.  No matter if I find a way that’s better or see someone doing it in a shitty manner(but still could that be correct?), it goes no where and has no meaning.  Kinda depressing.

Mindful Chill App “Notice that the Earth is right underneath you.”

I’ve had an interview or two elsewhere.  Closer to home.  It went well.  It’s a casual position in Maple Grove.  My co workers wrote me killer references, so I hope it I get it.  Fingers crossed.  I’ll find out by the end of the week.

I’m finding it so hard to be mindful.  I get so lost in my thoughts and in my head in general.  I wish I could find some place that teaches a refresher course in mindfulness.

A-disciplined-mind-brings-happiness