Impatient Inpatient

3 things I am grateful for…

  1. Of course, my kids
  2. Shelter
  3. ………….I’ll think of later

So, I didn’t read when or what I wrote last.  This past year has been a game of highs and lows.

Right now, I’m feeling a combo of sad/happy.  It’s weird how the mind works.

I was hospitalized for the first time, this month.  Only for 3 days, but it was well needed.  Confined to a certain area, no computer, or phone,  Enclosed from any outside influences, only able to focus on the stories of other who you are with, and going to group sessions.  Not just talk therapy, learning about the mind/body well-being, crafts & art, boundaries, and a whole bunch of things.

It’s almost scarier to be out.  I keep thinking that I need to go back for longer.

It’s really weird though.  It’s highly interesting the mass variety of mental illness.  Everyone had different stories and histories than I could never imagine.  Drug abuse, being molested as a child, going to war, unable to care for themselves because of a death of a loved one.  Just a whole variety.

Normal doesn’t exist.

So, my mind.  Right now.  Both excited and scared.  Like a child and their first day of school.  Fight or flight.  I’ve always been a flight-er.  Running away from everything that scares me.  Trapping myself in the house, safe from what the outside world would say about me.  First day of kindergarten, hiding so good, my mom couldn’t find me for 2 hours.  If you don’t try, you fail?  If you try and fail, at least you tried.  I’m starting to learn.

Yes, I used some sort of drug to avoid what I feared.  I left inpatient treatment with a whole new outlook at life.  I am so thankful for those who I was entrapped with.  They really opened my eyes to the outside world, and humbled me a great deal.

So, what is my thought right now?  At least I am trying.

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ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

I HATE…

feeling this way.  Depressed.  Alone.  Emotionally unstable.

People are for real dying and don’t want to, and I’m alive and wish I wasn’t.

What would I do if I got cancer?  Would I be overjoyed that I would have a way out?  A way out becuz I’m too big of a pussy to attempt my own demise.  I’d do it wrong, my kids might miss me, yadda yadda yadda.

People die everyday and don’t want to.

WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKK CANT I BE HAPPY FOR BEING ABLE TO BE HERE?  TO EMBRACE THE MOMENT, THE HERE AND NOW?

I feel so alone.  I am numb, but I break so easily.  Thoughts enter my mind and just destroy my being.  Why is life so hard?  Why can’t I be “normal” and have friends and lovers and be in relationships with people with meaning?

Why can’t I?  I isolate for what?  Cuz I’m scared of what people think.  When I shouldn’t give a flying fuck.

People die everyday and they want to be here.

Why can’t I just be….

Still Kinda in a Funk

crackedmeup

I don’t know if its this time of year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, on top of all the weather change, but I am not faking this funk.

Like I mentioned before, this co worker at work.  I probably failed to mention, she was such a close friend to me, she was at my daughter and sons birthday parties.  This is pretty sacred to me.  So maybe that’s why it hurts a bit more.

I spoke with my guy ( shrink ) about this, and he told me I have two options.  Try to reach out to her ( for the 3rd time ) or I just need to grieve the loss.  Is it worth my thoughts anymore.  Whenever I am working and she’s there, I resort to ignoring her as she does with me.  Is that my true nature?  Nope.  Why should I sink ( probably shouldn’t judge ) to her level and do the same as she does to me, even if it is so cold?

I’ve decided I need to let it go.  Sounds easier than it is.  But why should I let her hold this power over my thoughts and feelings, when she couldn’t give a shit about me?  Maybe she has this magical power over my co-workers and they ignore me as well, or have changed their opinion of me, but I have no control over that, unless I want to explain my illness to them.  Will they understand, is it worth it?  Right now, I couldn’t stand another rejection or someone who doesn’t quite understand that this is something I live with everyday and not just some sham to get out of some things in life.

Besides that, my kids leave for Florida with my ex for a week.  I’ve decided to pick up work, probably not the best choice cause of what I said above, but I need to keep busy.  I need to reach out to people who matter.

I’m an introvert, so I have few that I’m closest to, but when I sink into this funk, I so affectionately call it, I go into my hermit shell, and sleep, or think of all the negative things, imaginary or not.  My guy told me to do something for myself, reach out to those I trust.  This is very hard for me, but of course, I haven’t done it but I plan on doing so when my kids are gone.  Maybe this weekend.  Plan on doing something with them to know I have people who do care about me, even when I can’t say the same for myself.

Legit Case of the Mondays

Everyone and their cousin has it today.  I woke up with it, my daughter woke up with it.  I walked into work and got asked if I ever felt that way, and I was like uh yes, today!

While walking down to the cafeteria this morning, through the hallways, I pass several meeting rooms.  How I miss being able to give input to my job and my department.  My job, I just show up, do it to the best of my ability, and go home.  No matter if I find a way that’s better or see someone doing it in a shitty manner(but still could that be correct?), it goes no where and has no meaning.  Kinda depressing.

Mindful Chill App “Notice that the Earth is right underneath you.”

I’ve had an interview or two elsewhere.  Closer to home.  It went well.  It’s a casual position in Maple Grove.  My co workers wrote me killer references, so I hope it I get it.  Fingers crossed.  I’ll find out by the end of the week.

I’m finding it so hard to be mindful.  I get so lost in my thoughts and in my head in general.  I wish I could find some place that teaches a refresher course in mindfulness.

A-disciplined-mind-brings-happiness

So maybe…

I should move, or do something drastic.  It’s hard to be mindful when your head and mind is just out of it.  I come to work, and just don’t connect with anyone.  Even the ones I truly care for and I know care for me.  There’s not even a handful of people I care for at work anymore.  Eventually people show their true colors, and usually it’s a two-faced clown (I’m deathly afraid of clowns).

I’ve realized at the moment(I know, errrrrrr at least hope) this will pass.  But I don’t like being nice to people and them be nice to me, and then the next day just be complete assholes.

I’m such a weird introvert.  I do like to socialize but way hella awkward when I try to or am.  Especially when I hardly know people.

So tomorrow, I’m going to a lunch date with my friend Dan.  Our kids were babies and in daycare together so I haven’t seen him in over 8 years.  Then hanging out with Pete, who is basically just my BWB.  Pretty depressing. LOL  Super fun, but super meaningless.