ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

Being Grateful – and – Other Shit

Three things I am grateful for.

  1. My kids
  2. My dogs
  3. My program

I am feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.  I don’t want to do shit.  So much needs to be done but I can’t even fathom doing these things.  When I think of them again, I tell myself “Oh, I’ll do that at 5.” Knowing full well, when 5 approaches, it sure isn’t going to change a thing.

What is this lack of motivation.  It’s so much more saddening.  I’ve spent a month in PHP, started to improve, and now going back down that slippery slop again.

I need to work, I need to be a great mother and role model for my children.  It hurts this fucked up heart I have that I cannot even do these things.

I just don’t want to do anything right now.

I HATE…

feeling this way.  Depressed.  Alone.  Emotionally unstable.

People are for real dying and don’t want to, and I’m alive and wish I wasn’t.

What would I do if I got cancer?  Would I be overjoyed that I would have a way out?  A way out becuz I’m too big of a pussy to attempt my own demise.  I’d do it wrong, my kids might miss me, yadda yadda yadda.

People die everyday and don’t want to.

WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKK CANT I BE HAPPY FOR BEING ABLE TO BE HERE?  TO EMBRACE THE MOMENT, THE HERE AND NOW?

I feel so alone.  I am numb, but I break so easily.  Thoughts enter my mind and just destroy my being.  Why is life so hard?  Why can’t I be “normal” and have friends and lovers and be in relationships with people with meaning?

Why can’t I?  I isolate for what?  Cuz I’m scared of what people think.  When I shouldn’t give a flying fuck.

People die everyday and they want to be here.

Why can’t I just be….

Can I Just Hate Everyone for the Day?

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you’re walking past someone and you both make eye contact, you smile, and the other person just keeps on walking.  If I don’t want to fake a smile, or fake my polite voice, I look down and have nothing to do with you.  It’s not personal, but at least I’m not shunning you in your open eyes, in your face.

Trust me, I can understand if you’re having a shitty day more than the average person, but look long and hard away before you even pass me.  Especially people you talk to almost everyday or people you know their name.

It’s tough working in healthcare being the little “registration” person.  Yes, I do not affect the healthcare of the patient, but I am somewhat, a part of your team.  I work along side of you.  I see you.  I know your name.  We even talk.  Some of the doctors have more manners than you nurses.

“Hi, how’re you!” End rant.