ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

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