Impatient Inpatient

3 things I am grateful for…

  1. Of course, my kids
  2. Shelter
  3. ………….I’ll think of later

So, I didn’t read when or what I wrote last.  This past year has been a game of highs and lows.

Right now, I’m feeling a combo of sad/happy.  It’s weird how the mind works.

I was hospitalized for the first time, this month.  Only for 3 days, but it was well needed.  Confined to a certain area, no computer, or phone,  Enclosed from any outside influences, only able to focus on the stories of other who you are with, and going to group sessions.  Not just talk therapy, learning about the mind/body well-being, crafts & art, boundaries, and a whole bunch of things.

It’s almost scarier to be out.  I keep thinking that I need to go back for longer.

It’s really weird though.  It’s highly interesting the mass variety of mental illness.  Everyone had different stories and histories than I could never imagine.  Drug abuse, being molested as a child, going to war, unable to care for themselves because of a death of a loved one.  Just a whole variety.

Normal doesn’t exist.

So, my mind.  Right now.  Both excited and scared.  Like a child and their first day of school.  Fight or flight.  I’ve always been a flight-er.  Running away from everything that scares me.  Trapping myself in the house, safe from what the outside world would say about me.  First day of kindergarten, hiding so good, my mom couldn’t find me for 2 hours.  If you don’t try, you fail?  If you try and fail, at least you tried.  I’m starting to learn.

Yes, I used some sort of drug to avoid what I feared.  I left inpatient treatment with a whole new outlook at life.  I am so thankful for those who I was entrapped with.  They really opened my eyes to the outside world, and humbled me a great deal.

So, what is my thought right now?  At least I am trying.

Advertisements

ButWhole

Three things I am grateful for:

  1. My kids
  2. My IOP
  3. My senses

Well, I am feeling ok, at the moment.  This weekend, I basically slept through it.  I don’t know if it’s my med change, but it’s like I’ll wake up, look at the clock and tell myself I can sleep another hour and then I wake up 5 hours later.  I really throws me off, and then I feel guilty and just want to sleep anyways even though I don’t need to.

I wonder why the fuck I’m not improving.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been on my new antidepressant that long yet, or if my mood stabilizer is even a good fit.  I’ll hopefully talk to the doctor tomorrow.

My thoughts for work keep entering my mind.  Thoughts of how dirty and clutter filled this house is.  Represents my brain to the max.  Thoughts of how shitty of a mother I am for sleeping so much and being unable to care for the for I cannot simply care for my mental wellbeing is driving me insane.

What can I do?  I feel guilt and shame all around me.  Every day I wake up anxiety ridden.  Why have I fallen down so deep into the muck.

I should explain my title.  During my check in this morning, I did my sentence “I am feeling ok but…” and the therapist was just like, “ok, stop it right there.  You said this whole sentence explaining how ok something was, and then you were going to throw in that ‘but’, which means, devalue everything up until the ‘but’.  And of course, sarcastic Amy goes, well “I’m a butthole” and then I was like “But the but is b-u-t and the hole is w-h-o-l-e.” It was kind of funny but of course, humor is my mask covering up my authentic self I believe.

Anyways, thanks for listening.  Hopefully we can dig up some more of this gunk I have inside so I can think of returning to work sooner than later.

How’re you today?

This is not a question that a depressed person loves to hear.  I mean, of course its nice to have people talk to you, and at least act like they truly care.

This morning someone asked me this question, and I said “I am good Charlie, thank you.  How about yourself?”

**Flashback to last night when I was crying my face off, mascara streaming down my cheeks**

I hate lying, but people don’t want the honest answer of a depressed person. “I’m pretty shitty.  I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking about all the things I need and wish I could be, but I am not any of them.  My house is a mess like my head, and I can’t get above it to the clouds to see how pleasant life should really be.”

I was honestly having a couple of decent days, it doesn’t take much to trigger it and put me in lounge mode, especially after I just got done having a depressive state.

Being in a crowd of people you don’t know, but maybe 2 people is also a trigger for me.  I know not to do that again.  And it doesn’t help when my ex, who I’m with the whole time I’m there, runs into people left and right, and fails to introduce me them.  That’s really bothersome to me, and makes me want to treat him with the bitchiest tendencies I have grown to do.  Maybe I should tell him.  Yea….

Drowning Their Sorrows

I’m just realizing that trying to read my PHP program folder is not so useful on its own.  If I have to go back to that, I might as well kiss my job good bye.  Look at that, not staying in the present.  Predicting the future.  UGH.  I annoy myself sometimes.

I remember one of my old jobs in my early twenties, I was driving there, and my body just filled up with so much anxiety and tension, that I drove all the way up to my sisters place 4 hours away.  Without much thought, just drove the fuck up there.  Avoidance is my middle name.

I had the thought run through my mind this morning because I had to call in yesterday and I was worried what everyone was saying/thinking/doing.

Depression/anxiety/bi-polar is a hell of a disease.  My guy tries to explain it to me as if I have diabetes or heart disease.  But it has a curse behind it as though it’s all in someones head.  Imagine that.  Mental illness is all in someones head….

As I sit here, and listen to Tupac, I  really wish I had some balls to overcome this thing, but it keeps returning and grabbing hold of me, forcefully.

What am I supposed to do?

when the best part of me was always you?  What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?  I’m falling to pieces, yea….

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.  Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in…

Ackkkk, I love that song, damn Pandora.

So, I feel like I really am falling into pieces.  And I don’t know how to put them back together again.  But I know for a fact that what I’m doing now is not helping the fact that I am this way.

I think it’s time to cut ties with some things, and clean up some other areas in my life.

  1.  The boys I have been seeing or doing or whatever.  Cut-it-out, Uncle Joey style.
  2. Start taking my medicine as prescribed and not dink around with it.  I don’t know any better than my doctor, regardless of what my mind tells me.
  3. Start being honest with myself and others.  If I don’t want to do something, Goddamnit, I don’t.  And it’s okay to say so, to myself and to other mofos.  Honesty goes a long way.
  4. Do my best.  Stop being a slob and a hermit to myself.  Clean, make dinner, do my hair nice.  Simple things that seem so out of reach for my mental status.

That’s just a start.  Anyways, I am out of words so holler.

Still Kinda in a Funk

crackedmeup

I don’t know if its this time of year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, on top of all the weather change, but I am not faking this funk.

Like I mentioned before, this co worker at work.  I probably failed to mention, she was such a close friend to me, she was at my daughter and sons birthday parties.  This is pretty sacred to me.  So maybe that’s why it hurts a bit more.

I spoke with my guy ( shrink ) about this, and he told me I have two options.  Try to reach out to her ( for the 3rd time ) or I just need to grieve the loss.  Is it worth my thoughts anymore.  Whenever I am working and she’s there, I resort to ignoring her as she does with me.  Is that my true nature?  Nope.  Why should I sink ( probably shouldn’t judge ) to her level and do the same as she does to me, even if it is so cold?

I’ve decided I need to let it go.  Sounds easier than it is.  But why should I let her hold this power over my thoughts and feelings, when she couldn’t give a shit about me?  Maybe she has this magical power over my co-workers and they ignore me as well, or have changed their opinion of me, but I have no control over that, unless I want to explain my illness to them.  Will they understand, is it worth it?  Right now, I couldn’t stand another rejection or someone who doesn’t quite understand that this is something I live with everyday and not just some sham to get out of some things in life.

Besides that, my kids leave for Florida with my ex for a week.  I’ve decided to pick up work, probably not the best choice cause of what I said above, but I need to keep busy.  I need to reach out to people who matter.

I’m an introvert, so I have few that I’m closest to, but when I sink into this funk, I so affectionately call it, I go into my hermit shell, and sleep, or think of all the negative things, imaginary or not.  My guy told me to do something for myself, reach out to those I trust.  This is very hard for me, but of course, I haven’t done it but I plan on doing so when my kids are gone.  Maybe this weekend.  Plan on doing something with them to know I have people who do care about me, even when I can’t say the same for myself.

Legit Case of the Mondays

Everyone and their cousin has it today.  I woke up with it, my daughter woke up with it.  I walked into work and got asked if I ever felt that way, and I was like uh yes, today!

While walking down to the cafeteria this morning, through the hallways, I pass several meeting rooms.  How I miss being able to give input to my job and my department.  My job, I just show up, do it to the best of my ability, and go home.  No matter if I find a way that’s better or see someone doing it in a shitty manner(but still could that be correct?), it goes no where and has no meaning.  Kinda depressing.

Mindful Chill App “Notice that the Earth is right underneath you.”

I’ve had an interview or two elsewhere.  Closer to home.  It went well.  It’s a casual position in Maple Grove.  My co workers wrote me killer references, so I hope it I get it.  Fingers crossed.  I’ll find out by the end of the week.

I’m finding it so hard to be mindful.  I get so lost in my thoughts and in my head in general.  I wish I could find some place that teaches a refresher course in mindfulness.

A-disciplined-mind-brings-happiness